This afternoon, I found myself sitting in my car, scarfing down a “black and white” cupcake with butter cream icing and there is a toffee one waiting for me in my kitchen.
I know that I’m ’emotional eating’ and that this will end, soon. The cupcakes are way to sweet for me, I acknowledge this as I’m taking a bite, I can feel the head ache starting moments after I’ve eaten the last of the icing, but I still finish it. I’ll walk for extra time tomorrow to make up for the “momentary” lapse in good judgement.
This begs the question, which is worse? Emotionally eating and realizing it afterwards? or knowing what you’re doing and going ahead with it anyway? The results are the same, the guilt for eating something you know you don’t need are huge, especially if like me, you can feel the effects immediately. Not only do I get a head ache from the sugar in the icing, I’m sure I felt that cupcake tunnel directly to the roll of fat around my stomach adding another layer to an already problem area.
I’ve been pretty good over the past few months even with everything that has been going on in my life. I’ve cut most dessert out, but every so often my bad habits slip back into my life and I’m not sure how to stop it from happening. The really bad thing is that I’ve now discovered that this cupcake place not only sells at the market that I work at on the weekends, there is a storefront on Dresden Row, VERY close to my home AND now I’ve discovered the other storefront in a place where I shop, a lot, usually on an empty stomach.
I can’t figure out the answer to my question though. If you don’t realize that you are emotionally eating when you do it, wouldn’t that just be you enjoying something you like? And when you do realize, that eating 6 cupcakes at once definitely means something is wrong, what do you do at this point? The guilt of doing that would be huge, and is probably enough to send you back to eat more. Except, this time you’d realize that you were emotionally eating and doing it with an I-don’t-care attitude the “I’ve already screwed up my diet for the day why not really do it in?” frame of mind. So which is better? Does one automatically lead to the other?
What if you start out, like I did today, realizing that I was emotionally eating and doing it anyway? What is that going to mean for my psyche tomorrow? When I’m walking, or at 3am this morning when I wake up with the “OMG guilt” of eating 2 cupcakes and washing it down with a few glasses of red wine (I’m thinking that’s the way to go for the toffee, a nice Merlot) as my dinner? Will I be able to recover from this?
I’m beginning to think that it’s just part of who and what I am. I have my weak moments and unless I give into them they become monsters and stalk me at all hours of the day. I think that I need to accept and embrace my emotional eating and be aware of it. So that the next day I can do double the hills to burn off the cupcakes and the guilt.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to open a bottle of red to let it breath so that it’s ready for my “dinner”.
Dreaming big from the East Coast,