Dreaming of home….

My moving guy came yesterday.  Dropped off some boxes and bins, we picked the date that they’ll come for the furniture…deja vu.  I’m going to be with out anything but my air mattress and the girls for one or 2 nights before we head to the island. This all happens in 2 weeks, so no pressure.

I haven’t moved a lot in my life, so I get attached to places very quickly.  The things that happen to  me in these homes stay with me for a long time.  When I first moved into this apartment, 15 months ago, it was more like a hotel for me, but over the past 8 months or so it’s become a home.  A place where the girls and I can relax and be a small family.

I will miss it.  It’s downtown location, right on the water front, the boardwalk always available for every “walk off the crazy” I need.  The fact that it is 10 minutes to school, up hill, has underground parking, and that there are 6 coffee shops in spitting distance from my front door has been a major perk.  However, it is to much money every month, it’s north facing so there are no sun patches to lounge in and it is a very long walk every time I bring groceries in.

I will have to find a home that I love, preferably on the water.  I know the place I’d like to be, but it comes with a few complications that would have to be ironed out, and I’m not sure that’s possible anymore.  It is beautiful and perfect, although, there’s no underground parking.  Maybe, I’ll be able to solve the issues surrounding it, I’ll let you know, right now it’s not looking good, darn.

On my walk yesterday I was running a pro and con list through my head.  Trying to figure out what is  keeping me here in Halifax.  The job is fun, but part time, not much luck finding other jobs, yet.  The GG is complicated and I’m still unsure of the city, I haven’t found my groove here yet.  However, as I was trying to explain to a friend the other night, there isn’t anything to go back to TO for either (family & friends there please don’t take that personally – not meant to be).  I am nervous that I’m going to realize that I don’t belong in either place, and have nowhere to go.

For now, I’m going home, to the cottage.  This is one place that I know I feel safe and that I know is mine.  It came at a very high price.  I feel incredibly sad that so much of my Ex is there and that he doesn’t get it anymore but I am also grateful and happy that he enabled me to have a place I feel safe in.  It will give the girls and I an anchor, since recently, mine seems to be wobbling quite a bit.

It will be amazing to get back to the cottage and even the hunt for the apartment for the later date will be fine.  Hopefully, by then I’ll have the other things in my life solved and on track.  The really funny thing is that after I had assigned the visualization exercise to my class the other day, (as I mentioned in the other post, I’m doing it again) I realized, that what I asked for in the last round, I’m actually getting.  I guess in this next version I have to be a little more specific in my wants.

April 28th is the drive to the cottage date for the girls and I.  Have to go around since the ferry doesn’t start up until the 1st of May.  I want to get them settled before I have to leave them alone for 3 days.  I’ll ask the neighbours to check in on them but really they’ll be alone for the time I’m in Halifax, at least they’ll have the sun patches.

Dreaming Big from the East Coast,

Samantha

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This entry was posted in animals, Cottage, Family, Loss, Love, Prairie, Tabitha, Travel and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Dreaming of home….

  1. Sheila says:

    Come July, I have been in Miami for 3 years. It has taken awhile…but I am happy to report that the inbetwixt feeling of not belonging here or there has faded. Sometimes I shake my head at the crazy Americans and their ways, but it has become home.
    BTW – My morning routine is to roll out of bed, fix a cup of coffee and sit down with my laptop to check up on what is going on in the world. Your daily Break Free post has become part of my morning and I find myself looking for it….

    • Break Free says:

      Wow! That’s quite the complement thank you. I’m glad the lost feeling diminishes, it can be so disorienting. I’m lucky to have a friend who is “ahead” of me but is so supportive!

  2. Kristy Gordon says:

    I think you are in an amazing situation Sam, just think…right now you answer to no one, you have no obligations and can decide to go anywhere. Just think how freeing “anywhere” really is. If you ever feel the urge to come to Ontario again, now or when we are older and closer to retirement age, please know that there will always be room for you here…can’t promise how tidy it will be though! Am loving your blog!!

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